Personal Notes on Being an Imposter

I’m not an imposter. In my case, I’m simply a fraud.

This may sound familiar.

My imposter: It may not sound familiar to absolutely anyone because, Tereza, you are genuinely a lost cause.

Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. It disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments — many question whether they’re deserving of such accolades. (American Psychological Association, 2013). But why I question that out loud most of the time, for Christ’s Sake?

I discredited myself more than seventeen times while talking to totally random people I just met in the past two days. And I am not even saying how many times I did that in my mind or front of my boyfriend Dan.

Some examples…

• On Deck Fireside chat with Valerie Alexandre from Speak Happiness

I was invited to attend a workshop on How To Create Your Keynote Speech with Valerie Alexandre from Speak Happiness. That already sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime and mind-blowing opportunity. I came to this evening’s workshop unprepared. My introduction in front of a hundred of the most talented people I had met so far, and Valerie herself sounded like: “Well, I have trouble with even introducing myself, I just feel super nervous, and I am unable to tell my story.” I think she hated that. I was even re-playing the recording from that day to make myself sure that she genuinely hated that. But what I found her saying was pretty supportive: “The physical movement in your body that is created by fear is the same physical movement that is created by excitement. So stop telling yourself a story that you’re afraid of. Tell yourself a story that you’re excited about.”

• Entering every break-out room on Zoom with “Excuse me,…”

“Excuse me. I don’t belong.”

“I am so sorry that you have to suffer and listen to my English that sounds like the English of Tarzan.”

“Excuse me for my constant apologizing..”

“I am sorry, but may I add something that’s not necessarily very important here?”

I guess you know what I mean by now. But what the native speakers see is probably just: “Oh, that’s great, this is their second language, it’s impressive. I don’t know how to speak Arabic, Finnish, etc…”

• A spontaneous weekend trip with a new friend we made in Dubai

Our new and very kind friend, Simon, wanted to give me a shout-out for my recent blog posts activity. Instead of “Thank you, Simon.” I said the traditional: “Oh, well, I am a very poor speaker, you know. I am not able to express myself, so this writing helps. But it took like sixteen minutes to write the last article, and it is not even worth reading.” I knew Simon for like ten minutes, and in those ten minutes, I made sure I named at least eighteen things that I am generally horrible at.

• A tweet that let everyone else in this world know how bad I scored myself at public speaking

Imposter defines me

So if I am an imposter, what makes me say this aloud? Why do I want to constantly tell myself and others too the story about me being a stupid person with old-mother dementia (that means that I never remember anything)? Lately, I have given a lot of thought to what the trigger behind it may be. I have come up with these things.

• I want to lower the audience’s expectations to the total minimum. By doing this, you can only be only positively surprised once you see me perform (poorly). This keeps me within my comfort zone.
• It may be the first step to deal with my imposter syndrome. Talking about my feelings rather than suffering in silence can help. Or it feels like a relief.
• I want to make you tell me that it’s not that bad.
• I am transparent and vulnerable with all my feelings because I noticed a pattern that resonates well with the audience. Or that this makes me more interesting.
• It worked out in the past. I found a pattern that whenever I say, “I have the smallest brain. I have old-mother dementia.” people laugh.

The cultural difference in the mindsets of imposters aka “It’s in my nature.”

Some researchers believe that this “like a fraud” feeling has its roots in parenting, but there is also evidence that it has something to do with your culture, race, and nationality you belong to.

“The women, especially women of colour are particularly likely to experience it. People tend to experience feeling like a fraud if they don’t see many examples of people who look like them or share the background succeeding in their field.” (BBC, 2020)

For example, the Czech mentality, or better to say, an average Czech is described as “humble, distrusting individuals, who do not share emotions.” Some of the things can be because of how Czechs felt during the communist reign, and some of the things can go even further.

From my life-long empirical observations, I’ve noticed there are different mindsets of imposters and different ways of expressing it.

Given the historical background, some cultures tend to express themselves differently; they admire different leadership styles and have different values that resonate with them. I can see that when I compare Czech and American culture, for example.

Sometimes, the advice about overcoming imposter coming from a US coach might be perceived as counterproductive in other cultures.

As a Czech, I don’t resonate with the following:

• Don’t listen to your critics. I am a huge Brené Brown fan. But I must admit that watching this talk made me furious. She said that you shouldn’t listen to critics’ feedback. I think that you should listen to all the feedback. Even critics may notice something, and they may have a reason for noticing it. You should listen to that and decide if you want to accept it and do something about it or learn something from it. If we go with Brené’s philosophy, then the same logic applies to feedback from your mum, too. Don’t listen to overly flattering compliments.
• Fake it till you make it. I must say that we, the very Czech people, value humility and vulnerability the most. When we see founders & leaders who don’t take themselves very seriously, it usually resonates with us, the audience. This is something that every speaker needs to be careful about when they have, for example, offices in San Francisco and the second one in Prague. Then you need to choose your words mindfully. That’s why American selling techniques would not work out most of the time, and you’ll probably need to hire a local account executive and vice versa.

Being humble and vulnerable doesn’t mean you have to discredit yourself in every other sentence. This is, unfortunately, my case most of the time.

It’s really about what you practice in your head.

And I have a big problem telling myself and others I don’t belong 18 times a day.

It was enough to blame everyone else for what happened in my life. “I have to feel this way because my mother left me as a child, and she told me that I don’t belong. That I am fat. That I am stupid and not able to figure out the square area formula.” I say this all the time when I want to defend myself.

Enough. I am a successful adult, and it’s time to stop with this self-pity!

Combating my struggle

I know it’s always going to be there. It’s nothing unnatural. All the most impressive founders I talk to feel this. Brené Brown feels this. Hubert Palan feels this. Andrej Kiska Jr. feels this. (Ondřej Bartoš doesn’t, but then it’s not the point here). But there are some tips I am trying to focus on when overcoming one of my scariest weaknesses.

1. Saying yes and believing in continuous improvement

Sticking with the fundamentals is not impressive. That’s why I do something that feels like self-harming. I accept as many public speaking invitations as possible. My personal OKR is to accept at least 70% of invitations to give a speech, record a podcast, or attend a panel discussion.

I always — ALWAYS-have a frog in my throat — and then right after accepting anything, I just want to jump out of the window. It keeps me wide awake, my night sweating is back.

I believe in continuous improvement. Even though I am one of the most impatient human beings in the world. And it also takes me more time to learn or remember something than your average fellow Earth dweller (that’s not me being an imposter, it’s just practical experience quantified).

We often tend to put so much pressure on ourselves to make some earth-shattering improvement that will become the talk of the town. Then we find ourselves unhappy and not proud of anything we did.

Meanwhile, clever people out there say that improving by just 1 percent isn’t notable. And sometimes it isn’t even noticeable. But it can be just as meaningful, especially in the long run.

If you get one percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.

2. Communities & Fellowships

By the end of the day, the right community can provide precious feedback that you can learn from. You know it’s the right community when you know it’s accountable and encouraging.

I am beyond excited to share that I have joined a world-class On Deck recently. The goal is to bring a lot of genuinely intelligent people who care together. I mainly joined “A Performative Speaking Fellowship” led by our unbelievable, endlessly amazing, and very unique speaker and our speaking leader, Robbie Crabtree. One day, I find myself in a workshop with all those fascinating TED speakers I watched the other day. The next day I am reading through the gratitude channels that warm my heart or providing retrospective feedback to one of the fellows.

Many other communities can help. At Productboard, one of the engineering managers, Viktor started Toastmasters. There are mentoring platforms such as my favorite ReactGirls or Femmepalette. Or join a sports club!

Choosing the community is one of the most important things you can do. I’ve honestly never felt anything more powerful as a human being than being a part of an impactful movement. A cult, haha. Now, just make sure you choose the right one.

3. Getting myself a coach.

I met the most stunning coach Ramona via the Better Manager platform. I can’t even count how many times I turned her into my therapist. Or how many times she brought me to the tears with the so many encouraging things she said. I am very grateful that she supported and empowered me. It felt very reassuring to have her as my coach. I recommend everyone else getting one. ☝️ Sometimes you need to change your fear into excitement; other times, you need to add a structure to what you want to say. Your coach will be there to guide you in overcoming all the professional obstacles.

4. Check-ins with my boyfriend.

Well, if there is something extraordinary, it’s all these hours spent talking with my boyfriend. To be honest, I’m unsure if this tip can help you too, but if you want to book some time with him, we can figure something out 😄 Dan is as sincere as it gets, and his intelligence rate is definitely above the market. Sometimes, this fact makes me feel more like an imposter — because, sometimes, it feels his brain is too wise for me, but other times I find this truly inspiring. He makes me more curious and wakes up this little scientist in me. His approach to my “I am stupid. I will be awful” is different from anyone else. He can provide me with a very different perspective. He does not say: “Oh, I know, it’s hard. No, I think you’re amazing.” but he says: “You know what? This is your self-pity speaking loud, and it makes you look terrible. You just want to make things easier for yourself, so you tell everyone this, and they expect to see you perform poorer. This is what cowards do. Don’t be like one. ” He said this to me yesterday after he heard me explaining myself to a stranger, going on about my terrible ability to express myself. Yeah, that was the first thing I said during my introduction. But what he told me is just very eye-opening and I honestly think it’s true.

Eliminating being an imposter is like learning how to play the piano. You don’t take one class, and you’re done, no you don’t. You don’t play ‘Ode die Freude’ on the first try and become the next Ludwig van Beethoven.

Essential Material on Imposter & Continuous Improvement

• Michelle Obama on Imposter Syndrome: https://www.thestartv.com/v/michelle-obama-explains-imposter-syndrome
• James Clear, Continuous Improvement: https://jamesclear.com/continuous-improvement
• Ramona Shaw, Podcast: https://www.ramonashaw.com/podcast/
• Robbie Crabtree, Twitter: https://twitter.com/RobbieCrab
• Valerie Alexandre, A Book, Speak Happiness: https://www.speakhappiness.com/
• American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud
• HBR: https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome
• Femme Palette, IP Quiz: https://www.femmepalette.com/imposter-syndrome